Building Positive Relationships

Did you know that according to Nobel Prize winning scientist Daniel Kahneman, our day is defined by a series of moments, approximately 20,000 moments to be exact?

A moment is described as being a few seconds during which our brain records an experience. Our brains categorize these moments as positive or negative. More interesting still is the fact that the outcome of our day is actually based on how many of each of these we have. This has been coined the “positive to negative ratio”. Our emotional mood is literally created by a series of moments.

John Gottman continued this work and began studying how to apply it to relationships. He was able to discover what he called a “magic ratio” that can predict a relationship outcome with 94% accuracy, simply by counting the number of positive to negative moments in a 15-minute conversation.

Now, you may think that an even ratio would be sufficient – after all – as long as the good balances the bad, you should remain positive right? Surprisingly, Gottman’s research showed that, in fact, it takes a ratio of five to one to have a positive outcome in relationships. In other words, for every negative moment we experience, we must have five positive moments to counteract it.

Just think about that briefly. For every negative, there must be 5 positives.

Think about yourself for a moment. How many positive interactions have you had today? How many negative? How is it affecting your day overall?

What if you think of a specific person – are your interactions with them generally positive? Or do you find they are very negative? How does this affect your feelings toward that person?

Now, even more challenging, look at yourself and how you react with others. Do you think they find you a positive influence, or a negative one? Are you spending as much time as you can filling other people’s internal bank with positive moments to help them balance the negative ones they may face? 

Now, I am not saying that you must always be positive and ignore issues for fear of creating a negative moment. If you are giving constructive criticism, or facing a conflict, chances are there is a negative feeling attached to them. When this happens, you can do your best to minimize the damage. For instance, with criticism, you may start off the conversation by things that are going well first. When you are facing conflict, you can be respectful and understanding, even if you don’t agree.

Just the other day I saw two young siblings arguing. At one point one sibling said something not very pleasant about the other. The parent immediately stopped the sibling, and told them if they felt the need to say something negative, they must now balance it with 5 positive things about the other. The sibling then had to stand and come up with 5 things they liked about the other child.

Sure, that scenario may not work in the “real world”, but the concept was there. If you want to say something negative to someone, and give them a negative moment, are you able to counteract it with five positive moments? If you feel the need to snap at a co-worker, can you follow it up later with positive comments? If you tell your partner you dislike something about their behaviour, can you then follow it up with five things you do like about their behaviours?

The key here is balance. Balance the positive with the negative. Remember, to create balance, there must be more positive than negative. Keep in mind, each person you encounter could have already had many negative moments in their day – why not strive to be the positive balance to others? To build positive relationships with other people, we must consistently be working to be a positive force to that person. If a negative does arise, ensure you follow the positive to negative ratio overall to keep the relationship on track.

Try it for a few days and see how things change. Be a positive moment in people’s days. Work hard to balance the negative with positive if it must occur. The more you practice it, the easier it will get. As well, the more you are the positive influence in other’s day, the more you fill up your positive moments as well. It’s a win-win concept, and a great way to build positive relationships with those around you.